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George Zimmer

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George Zimmer is the founder and spokesperson for Men's Warehouse an American chain of clothing stores which sell suits and other related mens' apparel. Men's Warehouse commercials often feature George Zimmer speaking about how a client puchased nice clothing at inexpensive prices while at a Men's Warehouse store. The commercials end with Zimmer promising the viewer a similar experience and price with the phrase, I guarantee it!

The George Zimmer meme, one of /b/'s most lulzworthy, are stories detailing George Zimmer's sexual escapades in the most epic way possible and are laden with colorful sexual terminology such as MY MASSIVE YOGURT HOSE. They begin with, HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE, and always end with, I GUARANTEE IT. The level in epic in each story is so great that it has become one of /b/'s most prized memes.

In late February of 2006 a female version using the Bleach character Rangiku (known primarily for her very large breasts) was tried, but failed to catch on.

A Flash video was also made about George.

This article is a collection of George Zimmer stories (also known as Zimmerisms). I guarantee it.

Gooks

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR DICK-DRAGGING GOOK CARCASS AWAY FROM MY TURF, I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY SPERM WHALE SO FAR UP YOUR DRAINAGE PIPE THAT YOU'LL BE TASTING THE UNDERWEAR THAT I WEAR UNDER MY DAPPER SUIT FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Greeks and Asians

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO SAY THAT MY UNSTOPPABLE PILLAR OF A THOUSAND ORGASMS IS COMPLETELY EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY. TO THE GREEKS, I AM THE MIGHTY HERCULES THAT SPLITS APART THEIR ROCK OF GIBRALTAR. TO THE HINDUS I AM ZISHNA, THE TEN-HEADED GOD OF DEFLOWERING - AND ONLY FIVE OF THOSE HEADS ARE ATTACHED TO NECKS. INDEED, THE RECTUMS OF THOSE OF EAST ASIAN DESCENT HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE UNDER MY RIGHT TESTICLE. THEIR TINY FRAMES CLENCH TIGHTLY WHEN I CRUSH THEIR ORGANS UNDER THE UNSTOPPABLE DRAMA OF MY ANAL ASSAULT. AS RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN, THE TIGHTNESS OF THEIR RAVAGED COLON UPON MY MIGHTY KATANA IS UNMATCHED BY ANY OTHER RACE. NO LESS THAN FIFTY-SEVEN SAMURAI HAVE COMMITTED HARA-KIRI UPON TAKING A SINGLE LOOK AT MY MIGHTY BLADE FROM THE DISHONOR OF WIELDING SUCH TINY EASTERN BLADES AGAINST MY MARVEL OF MANHOOD.

The Real Zimmer

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. CHICKENSHITS THAT TRY TO GUARANTEE ON SHIT THAT I DIDN'T APPROVE SHOULD SUCK MY GUSHING FLAMESPEAR OF JUSTICE AND VENGEANCE. AS FOR THAT SHIT, I SAY THAT EVEN THE LAST INBRED TARD WHO'D FIND HIMSELF ON A LONELY ISLAND IMPRISONED IN A CAGE MADE OF SAUSAGES AND CALCIUM AND TORTURED BY PURE AIR WOULDN'T FAP TO IT. UNLESS IT'S FCHAN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Revenge

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THE OTHER NIGHT I TRACKED DOWN THE UPPITY BITCH WHO DREW THIS PICTURE AND I PROCEEDED TO FREE WILLY ALL OVER HER FACE. I SPACKLED HER FACE WITH MY SALTY MAN YOGURT, MAKING SURE TO COVER EVERY INCH OF HER SELF-RIGHTEOUS MUG. I GUESS SHE LEARNED HER LESSON BECAUSE SHE CAME BACK BEGGING FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Anal

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. NO ONE CAN IMAGINE THE HORRORS THAT MY GREASY GRECIAN MAN POLE CAN UNLEASH. ANY HOLE THAT GETS IN MY WAY WILL BE SPELUNKED BY MY MIGHTY KIDNEY SCRAPER. I WILL PLUMB THE DEPTHS OF YOUR MOIST ORAFICES AND THEN PROCEED TO PUMP MILLIONS OF FUTURE ZIMMERS INTO YOU INNARDS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Gb2/kitchen/

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A SECOND OUT OF MY BUSY DAY OF FUCKING THE MOTHERS AND SISTERS OF THE PEOPLE I HATE WITH MY MAMMOTH PELVIC FOREARM TO DELIVER A RARE SHORT MESSAGE. SHUT UP AND GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN BITCH, OR I'LL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH MY INCREDIBLE MANMEAT. I GUARANTEE IT.

Subway

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MERE HOURS AGO, ON A SUBWAY RIDE HOME TO MY LAVISH PENTHOUSE APARTMENT, ON MY WAY BACK FROM THE WORLDS MOST VIRILE MAN COMPETITION, THERE SAT ACROSS FROM ME A WOMAN OF ADMIRABLE MAMARY PROPORTIONS. NATURALLY, MY IMMEDIATE REACTION WAS FOR MY DANGEROUS, DEVILISH, DAPPER DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL TO SWELL TO THE ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BAT. BUT I DIGRESS. THE IMPORTANT PART OF MY TALE OF UNIMAGINABLE SEXUAL PROWESS WAS THUS:

A RATHER INNEBRIATED FELLOW BEGAN TO HARASS THE OTHER PATRONS UPON THE SUBWAY CAR WHOSE DIJMENSIONS WERE BEING NOW APPROACHED BY THAT OF MY TOWERING MEAT FOUNTAIN. HAVING NOT THE SAME AUDACITY AS I, THEY THOUGHT IT BEST TO LET THE MAN BE. AS HE MOVED FROM PROUDLY DISPLAYING HIS COMPARATIVELY INSIGNIFICANT PENILE PINKY TO THE OLDER WOMEN TO THE YOUNG, BOUNCY AND BOUNTIFUL BEAUTIFULLY BREASTED BROAD THAT HAD CAUSED THE MAMMOTH SWELLING OF MY SWEATY MALE-WHALE, I CLUTCHED TIGHTLY MY TROPHY FROM AFOREMENTIONED COMPETITION, AND KNEW IMMEDIATELY THE APPROPRIATE COURSE OF ACTION. THE LOOK THAT GRACED HIS WANDERING EYES AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE WILL CAUSE ME RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY A YEAR. THE RESULTIMG AROMA OF GIN AND TESTOSTERONE THAT LINGERED IN THE AIR WAS INVIGORATING. I THEN SPOKE IN A DIALECT OF MANDARIN CHINESE IN A FREQUENCY THAT ONLY ELEPHANTS CAN HEAR A WARNING TO THIS MAN THAT THIS BEHVAIOR OF HIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. ALAS, IT FELL ON DEAF EARS, FOR HE HAD PASSED. THE FELLATIO SESSION THAT I HAD EARNED FROM THE MAGNIFICENTLY MILKY MAIDEN WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE GOINGS-ON OF THE NEAREST POLICE OFFICER. RATHER THAN GO THROUGH THE TEDIUM OF FILLING OUT TIRESOME REPORTS AND STATEMENTS, I WASHED HIM OUT OF THE TRAIN AND UP THE STAIRS TO THE STREET WITH A BATH OF ONLY THE FINEST PROTEIN PACKED PUBIC PUDDING THAT I COULD MUSTER. I GUARANTEE IT.

George Foreman

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. THAT GODDAMN NIGGER GEORGE FOREMAN LIES LIKE THE LITTLE BITCH THAT HE IS. IN ACTUALITY, I SHOVED MY MASSIVE MEAT MOUNTAIN UP HIS WIFE AND DOG'S ASSES, KILLING THEM INSTANTLY. THEN I USED GEORGE'S OWN LEAN MEAN GRILLING MACHINE TO COOK THEIR CORPSES. I MUST ADMIT, THOUGH, THAT GRILL CAN COOK A MIGHTY FINE BABY BATTER-FILLED MAIN COURSE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Movie Theater

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE SURREPTITIOUSLY PLUNGING MY ROSY-CHEEKED CYCLOPEAN ALLY INTO THE ANAL CAVITY OF A YOUNG MIGRANT FARM WORKER OF INDETERMINATE GENDER IN THE FRONT ROW OF A MOVIE THEATER, THE POOR YOUTH SCREAMED FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES STRAIGHT, FINALLY COUGHING UP A LOAD OF 100% PURE ZIMMER SAUCE AND PASSING OUT. THE OTHER MOVIE PATRONS, ANGRY AT THE INTERRUPTION OF THE ADVENTURES OF SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL IN 3-D, BEGAN PELTING ME WITH DRINKS, FOOD, AND PHONE NUMBERS HASTILY WRITTEN ON NAPKINS. UNFORTUNATELY, MY OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT WAS RUINED IN THE PROCESS. I NONCHALANTLY PULLED THE UNCONSCIOUS YOUTH OFF MY ENORMOUS EYEBALL GOUGER AND STRIPPED NUDE. THEN, WITH A BESTIAL ROAR, I BEAT THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE TO DEATH--WITHOUT LEAVING THE FRONT ROW. ON MY WAY OUT, IN THE CUSTOM OF THE ZIMMER FAMILY, I GAVE THEM A BURIAL AT SEMEN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Becoming A Real Man

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHICH IS TO BE EXPECTED FROM AN ASS-DRAGGING MAN WHORE LIKE YOURSELF THAT GETS KICKED OFF THE GOOD CORNERS BY TWELVE YEAR OLD BOYS LOOKING FOR EXTRA INCOME TO SUPPORT THEIR POKEMON ADDICTIONS. IF YOU'RE EVER INTERESTED IN BECOMING A REAL MAN, COME BY THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE WHERE I CAN GIVE YOU A TESTOSTERONE INFUSION IN THE BACK ALLEY WITH MY PATENTED PULSATING MAN HAMMER. I'LL SPREAD YOUR ASS CHEEKS WIDER THAN THE MARIANAS TRENCH, AND I'LL PLUNGE MY THUNDERING FLESH REDWOOD INTO YOUR WINKING PINK CHRYSANTHEMUM. SLIPPING ON MY STEEL WOOL GLOVES, I'LL GRAB YOUR MINISCULE QUIVERING JOYSTICK AND VIGOROUSLY MASSAGE IT UNTIL IT STANDS UP HARDER AND STRAIGHTER THAN A MARINE AT SHORT ARM INSPECTION WITH HIS FAVORITE DRILL SERGEANT. WHEN I FINALLY UNLEASH MY SHOWER OF MAN MAYONNAISE INTO YOUR COLON YOUR INNARDS WILL PULSATE IN JOYOUS ABANDON AND YOUR NIPPLES WILL EXPLODE WITH DELIGHT, RAINING MY SEX SAUCE DOWN UPON UNWARY PASSERSBY WHO WILL COWER IN FEAR OF THE SECOND COMING. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Real George Zimmer, Again

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. MY YODELING MANSEED-SPRAYER CAN KILL A YAK AT THIRTY PACES—WITH ONE SWING. IT’LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL WHEN ANYONE ON /B/ CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE POWER CONTAINED IN MY FORTUNE 500 FETUS FACIALIST. I’LL TRACK YOU DOWN, WITHDRAW MY MISCHIEVOUS MAIDEN MANGLER FROM MY UNCONSCIONABLY SEXY SUIT AND WATCH IN SILENCE AS YOU BEG TO SUCKLE AT MY TERRIFYINGLY TANTALIZING TESTICLES. YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO RESIST ME AS I SATIATE MY RANDY RAPE ROD USING YOUR QUIVERING FLESH. I’LL LEAVE YOUR CORPSE FOR PASSERSBY TO FIND IT, NAKED AND DRIPPING WITH SEVERAL HELPINGS OF MY EXTRAORDINARILY EFFERVESCENT ESSENCE OUTSIDE THE LOCAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. THEN I’LL MOVE ON TO YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT.

Raping /b/tards

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. IT LOOKS LIKE SOME OF YOU /B/TARDS THINK YOU CAN CONTROL ME. THIS PARTICULAR /B/TARD THOUGHT HE WAS CLEVER, POSTING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK. WELL, UNTIL I APPEARED BEHIND HIM IN A PLUME OF SMOKE AND AEROSOLIZED ASS BUTTER. HIS PARENTS ARE WATCHING AS I GIVE HIS KIDNEYS A TEN POINT INSPECTION WITH MY FLANNEL MAN-SPIGOT, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY TYPING THIS POST, ANALLY PENETRATING THE OBESE MOTHER OF THIS /B/TARD, AND FILLING THE FATHER’S FACE WITH A GENEROUS HELPING OF MY GOOEY GUY GRAVY. AFTER I FINISH, I’LL BEAT THEM TO DEATH WITH MY VEINY LOVE TRUMPET, AND DISAPPEAR IN A VEIL OF MISTY WHITE SPRAY. ANY ONE OF YOU COULD BE NEXT. I GUARANTEE IT.

Explosion

HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MENS WAREHOUSE, AND WHILE YOUR OFFER INTRIGUES ME YOU MUST BE ASSURED THAT THE VERY FIRST TIME I EXTRACTED MY THROBBING GRISTLE STICK FROM MY BULGING SUIT PANTS AND PLUNGED IT DEEP INTO YOUR WAITING CLEFT AS AHAB SO PLUNGED HIS SPEAR INTO THE RED BLOWHOLE OF MOBY DICK, THAT THE EXPLOSION OF MAN FLUID THAT WOULD FILL YOUR INTERNAL CAVITY WOULD DO SO WITH SUCH DAEMONIC ALACRITY AS TO CAUSE A SPONTANEOUS AND COMPLETE ERUPTION OF YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS IN SUCH A GROTESQUE AND SPECTACULAR MANNER THAT I WOULD BE COVERD IN LITTLE RED DRIPPING BITS OF YOU IN 5 SECONDS FLAT. I GUARANTEE IT.

Board of Directors

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY, ABOUT A WEEK AGO, I WAS HOLDING A MEETING WITH MY COMPANY'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS, EXPLAINING THE IMPORTANCE OF DEDICATION, AND QUALITY IN THE SALE OF OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUITS, WHEN I NOTICED ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF THE BOARD WAS, IN FACT, A STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BLOND FEMALE, HER BEAUTY MATCHED ONLY BY HER PROFESSIONAL MANNER AND ABSOLUTELY ELEGANT SUIT. THIS COMBINATION OF STIMULI GAVE MY MONOLITHIC CROTCH CANNON NO CHOICE BUT TO AUGMENT AND OBLITERATE MY PANTS. WITHIN MOMENTS MY MY MEMBER HAD DESOLATED THE BOARD ROOM, THE TABLE HAVING BEEN SMASHED UNDER THE SHEER GIRTH OF MY PELVIC PULVERISER, AND THE WOMAN IN QUESTION WAS IMPALED ON ITS GARGANTUAN TIP, HAVING THROWN HERSELF IN ITS APOCOLIPTIC PATH OF DESTRUCTION IN AN EFFORT NOT ONLY TO SAVE THE LIVES OF HER COLLEAGUES, BUT TO EXPERIENCE FIRSTHAND THE QUASI-RELIGEOUS EXPERIENCE THAT IS ZIMMER. AS MY TROUSER TRUNCHEON EXPANDED, DEMOLISHING WALLS AND DISPATCHING THE INTERNS WHO ATTEMPTED TO ESCAPE WITH THEIR LIVES RATHER THAN THROW THEMSELVES AT THE MERCY OF MY THROBBING FLESH MISSLE.

MOMENTS LATER MY PHALLUS HAD KNOCKED OUT MANY OF THE BUILDING'S SUPPORT BEAMS AND THE FLOORS OVERHEAD CRASHED DOWN, THE FORCE OF THEIR MOMENTUM CAUSING THE ENTIRE BUILDING ITSELF TO COLLAPSE IN A NIGHTMARISH MANNER NOT UNLIKE A FAMOUS DISASTER FROM A FEW YEARS AGO. RISING FROM THE RUBBLE, WITH THE STUNNING BOARD MEMBER STILL ON THE TIP OF MY GOD-SHLONG CRYING ALOUD FOR MERCY, HER SUIT AS WELL AS MINE UTTERLY RUINED BY THE AFFAIR, AS WELL AS A DOZEN OTHERS STILL CLINGING TO THE SHAFT. i LET OUT A THUNDERING ROAR AND LET SPEW FORTH MY SEED WITH SUCH AWE-INSPIRING FORCE THAT THE LOAD SHATTERED THE SOUND BARRIER, VAPOURIZING MY LUSTY ASSOCIATE, CRUSHING EVERYONE IN SIGHT AND SHATTERING EVERY WINDOW IN A 5-MILE RADIUS. IN THE AFTERMATH, STANDING NAKED AND COVERED IN CEMENT DUST, AND SMILING CONTENTLY AT THE DEMOLISHED, SEMEN-COVERED RUINS BEFORE ME, I SPOTTED A SMALL DOG, STUMBING IN THE DEBRIS, ITS EARS BLEEDING AND GASPING FOR BREATH IN THE HUMID MUSK. I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF. WITH A LOUD THUD MY ELEPHANTINE MAN-HAMMER HAD CRUSHED THE ANIMAL LIKE A THICK, MEATY FLYSWATTER. I GUARANTEE IT.

Luncheon

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I RECIEVED YOUR MEMO CONCERNING LAST WEEKS LUNCHEON, AND I MUST SAY I REALLY ENJOYED MYSELF. YOUR SISTER, WHO APPARENTLY DECIDED TO ATTEND THE PARTY WEARING A STUNNING SILK DRESS, GAVE MY GARGANTUAL ENORMOUS PULSATING COLUMN OF FLESH NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO EXTEND AND ERECT TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL, THE SIZE OF WHICH I CAN HARDLY EXPRESS IN WORDS. AT THE SIGHT OF MY IMMENSE MEAT HAMMER, I FOUND YOUR SISTER BEGGING AND MOANING, ON HER KNEES, FOR JUST ONE TASTE OF MY ZIMMER SPECIAL. THE RESULT WAS INEVITABLE; YOUR SISTER WAS INSTANTLY BLOWN ACROSS THE ROOM AS MY COLOSSAL HOSE EXPLODED IN A TORRENT OF MY DNA PUDDING. IT TOOK HER 2 HOURS TO REMOVE THE THICK LAYER OF MY SPECIAL NUT BATTER FROM HER FACE, AND EVEN THOUGH I STRONGLY DISCOURAGED IT, SHE DECIDED TO CONSUME THE ENTIRE QUANTITY OF MY HE-SALSA, THE VOLUME OF WHICH COULD EASILY FILL A INDUSTRIAL SIZED FUEL TANK. I GUARANTEE IT.

Your Mom

I HAVE A SIMILAR STORY TO SHARE WITH YOU CONCERNING YOUR MOTHER. IT HADN'T CROSSED MY MIND, BUT DURING YOUR ORIENTATION SESSION HERE AT MEN'S WEARHOUSE INC., YOUR MOTHER, WHO ALSO ATTENDED ALONG WITH YOU THAT VERY DAY, PASSED ME A NOTE, WHICH I DO NOT RECALL IN ITS ENTIRETY. SOMETHING ABOUT "I WILL GIVE YOU MY LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR EXPERIENCING THAT WHICH EVERY MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD ON THIS EARTH PRAYS EVERY DAY TO EXPERIENCE; GETTING FUCKED IN THE MOUTH BY YOUR THROBBING MASSIVE COLUMN OF FLESH". I COULD NOT DISCOURAGE THIS WOMAN, SO IN A FLASH, MY DAPPER TIGHT PANTS EXPLODED AS MY BEHEMOTH OF LOVE UNLEASHED ITSELF TOWARDS YOUR MOTHER'S GAPING UTERUS, WHICH SHE HAD SUBMITTED TO MY MEAT MISSILE THE MOMENT SHE REALIZED HER LIFE GOAL HAD BEEN REALIZED. I FEEL IT IS AN APPOPRIATE TIME NOW TO LET YOU KNOW THAT YOUR MOTHERS DEATH 5 YEARS AGO WAS NOT DUE TO A TERRORIST ATTACK DURING THE ORIENTATION PARTY, IN WHICH YOUR MOTHER WAS BLOWN APART BY AN RPG; RATHER THE SHEER SIZE OF MY THROBBING MAMMOTH-LIKE MISSILE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HER BODY TO SUPPORT, DESPITE HER ARGUABLY SIZEABLE ANUS. THAT, ALONG WITH THE SUBSEQUENT TORRENTIAL FLOOD WHICH INSTANTLY FILLED HER BODY WITH MY CREAMY MAN JUICE, AND WHICH THE SHEER VOLUME OF ITS CONTENT RESULTED IN THE GOOEY MATTER GUSHING OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE IN HER BODY. I GUARANTEE IT.

9/11

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGATUAIN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR MELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULLENARY EXERISIZE, I MIANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VIRAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN'S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACK SIDE OF A WOMAN(S) TO STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY HUMONGOUS PHALUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A RABID DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SITE THAT AWAITED ME BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS "WOMAN"'S RAISN SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT THEN PENETRATED HIS ESAPHAGUS, RIPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPS FROM OFF MY MONEY MAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LEASON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHICH'S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD) WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECASUE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 747 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERROIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Real George Zimmer, Part III

HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. WHILE THAT LAST POST WAS UNDOUBTEDLY WELL-WRITTEN, IT LACKED THE FINER ELEMENTS OF STYLE THAT MAKE MY DELICIOUS ANAL PILLAGINGS SO ENJOYABLE. JUST THE SIGHT OF MY RAKISH COUNTENANCE CAN SEND WOMEN INTO EXPLOSIVE, MIND-NUMBING FITS OF ORGASM LONG BEFORE I PULL OUT MY MAJESTIC PLEASURE PISTON AND RAM IT DOWN THEIR GASPING THROATS. IN JUST A FEW MINUTES THEY'VE GOT A BELLYFUL OF STEAMING-HOT MAN SHAKE AND I'M OFF TO POST IN /B/, WHERE MY PRESENCE IS ALWAYS WELCOME. I GUARANTEE IT.

Wannabes

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WAREHOUSE. IF YOU LOW-LIFE WANNABE COCK PHEASANTS CONTINUE TO SHATTER MY GOOD NAME WITH HORRID AND TASTELESS ANECDOTES I WILL FORCE MY COLOSSAL SPERM-WHALE UP YOUR SHIT CHUTE SO FAR THAT YOUR ANCESTORS IN HEAVEN WILL HAVE THEIR TEETH KNOCKED OUT FROM BEHIND. AS MY HUGE SUPER CENTIPEDE GOES THROUGH YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS UP YOUR MOUTH AND INTO THE HEAVENS ABOVE. AS ALL THE ANGELS EXCLAIM AT THE COLOSSAL NATURE OF MY MAN WORM. ALL OF THEM TAKING PICTURES OF IT TO RECORD THE DAY THAT YOU SOILED THE NAME OF GOOD GEORGE ZIMMER! I GUARANTEE IT.

Sister in the Alley

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. A WEEK AND A HALF AGO IN AN ALLEY BEHIND HER WORKPLACE I THRUST MY INHUMANLY TURGID MEMBER INTO YOUR SISTER'S ANAL CAVITY. AS MY GARGANTUAN MEAT SPEAR PENETRATED HER BUTT PIPE SHE SCREAMED AND FAINTED, SMASHING HER FACE AGAINST THE HARD ASPHALT OF THE ALLEY. I FLIPPED HER OVER AND PULLED MY LOG OUT, TAKING CARE NOT TO GET BLOOD ON MY AMAZINGLY DAPPER SUIT AND THEN PROCEEDED TO FIRE MY JIZZ ROCKET ONTO HER GLASSES AND PUCKERED NIPPLES. PROMPTLY AFTER SHOVING HER IN THE TRUNK OF MY LEXUS I DROVE OFF INTO THE DARK NIGHT ONLY TO DROP HER OFF AT A REST STOP MOTEL WITH $1.50 IN CHANGE TO CALL A CAB. SHE ENDED UP TAKING A SUB HOME WHILE CALLING ME 6 TIMES ON MY CELL PHONE. WHEN I ANSWERED ALL I HEARD WAS WIMPERING AND A LOW MOAN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Magic

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. MAGIC? I’LL BET THE LAST TIME YOU GOT ANYWHERE NEAR MAGIC IN BED YOU WERE SHOVING TWENTY-SIDED DICE UP YOUR ASS WHILE YOU JERKED YOUR TINY WAND TO YOUR MAGIC: THE GATHERING DECK. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU NEED A MEGA-DOSE OF ZIMMER-BRAND MASCULINITY. I’LL COVER YOUR HAPLESS, EFFEMINATE FORM IN A THREE FOOT DEEP LAYER OF WHITE-HOT BABY BROTH FROM MY IMMINENTLY IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER PLEASURE PYTHON. YOU’LL BEG ME FOR A SECOND COMING, AND I’LL OBLIGE YOU, PUMMELING YOU IN EVERY ORIFICE. YOU’LL AWAKEN IN THE HOSPITAL, YOUR TEETH BROKEN OFF AT THE GUM LINE AND WITH SEVERE BLOOD LOSS FROM YOUR ANUS. BUT YOU’LL STILL CALL ME TO BEG FOR MORE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Sex with Zimmer: Serious Business

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WAREHOUSE. RECENTLY, I WAS APPROACHED BY QUITE A LUCIOUS LOOKING LADY PERSON. HER BINDING BUST FIGURE IMMEDIATLY FORCED MY TWITCHING GARGANTUAN MAN CANNON TO RAPIDLY EXPAND TO DIVINE ELEPHANTINE DIMENSIONS. THE LADY IN QUESTION, WHO'S BEAUTY WAS ONLY MATCHED BY THAT OF MY COLLOSSAL DOWNSTAIRS DOWEL, WAS ASTOUNDED AND THUS PROCEEDED TO STARE INTENTLY AT MY INTENSIFYINGLY TITANTIC LUST LOG OF INFINITE SEXUAL DESIRE AS IT OBILTERATED MY FINE UNDERWEAR AND TROUSERS CUNNINGLY CONSTRUCTED BY MY DIGNIFIED CHAIN OF RETAILERS. SHE WAS SO FLABBERGASTED AT THE SHEER SIZE AND GRANDEUR OF MY MAGNIFICENT AND IMPRESSIVE ZIMMER BATON THAT I UNDRESSED HER FINE SKIRT AND UNDERWEAR GARMENTS WITH MY PSYCOKINETIC EYES AND SLAMMED MY GIANT OMINOUS VEINY WHALE INTO THE CREVACE OF HER ORIFICE AND DISCHARGED AN ARMY OF MINITURE DAPPER ALBINO BOSNIANS TO COAT THE INSIDES OF HER ANAL CAVITY WITH ONLY THE FINEST SMELLING ZIMMER PROTEIN PACKED PENILE PRODUCE. ONCE I HAD FINISHED WITH THE PUPPYLIKE WHORE, I STAMPED MY NOW ALMOST FLACID STOPCOCK OF JOY AGAINST THE GROUND AND CHARGED INTO THE NIGHT SKY WITH THE ROCKET FUEL OF A THOUSAND GODS TO CONTINUE MY CRUSADES OF MEAT CLOBBERIN'. I GUARANTEE IT.

Your Girlfriend

HELLO I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. TONIGHT I WAS BEATING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HEAD AGAINST HER BEDROOM WALL WITH MY GIGANTIC RAMROD AND AS SHE DEEP-THROATED MY MAN-MEAT I REALIZED THAT IT WAS TIME FOR THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE ANNUAL SALE. ONCE I FILLED HER ESOPHAGUS UP WITH MY AMAZING AMOUNT OF BABY BUTTER I HEADED OUT TO OUR STORES TO REMIND CUSTOMERS THAT OUR SUITS FIT WELL AND ARE CHEAPER THAN THE COMPETITION, LIKE YOUR MOTHER'S COCK RECEPTICLE. IT BARELY FITS MY ROLLING PIN OF PLEASURE, BUT EVENTUALLY I BANG HER SO HARD THAT IT BECOMES A CUSTOM FIT, LIKE THE SERVICE AT ANY OF OUR NATIONWIDE LOCATIONS. SHE BEGS ME NIGHTLY TO FILL HER WITH COCK-JUICE LIKE HOW YOU'LL BE BEGGING FOR THE AMAZING SAVINGS WE OFFER AT THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I GUARANTEE IT.

Halloween

HI IM GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. IT WAS THE NIGHT OF THE 31ST ALSO KNOWN AS HALLOWEEN, WHEN MANY PEOPLE OF THE YOUNG VARIETY GO AROUND IN SHITTY COSTUMSES AND GETTING FREE CANDY INSTED OF BEING AT HOME AND HAVING WILDY ORGIES . THERE I WAS IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE, RUNNING OVER THE POOR LADS AND LASSES IN THEIR $20.00 COSTUMES FORM WAL-MART, WHEN I SUDDENLY SPOTTED A FINE, BLONDE WOMAN WITH BREASTS THAT WERE AS BIG AS THE CANDY BOWL SHE HAD IN HER HANDS, HANDING OUT CANDY FROM A LOVELY, BRICK HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS. I THEN STOPPED MY ZIMMERMOBILE, MY ENORMUS MEAT DRILL POKING OUT MY PANTS AT THE SIGHT OF THE VOLUPTUOUS WOMAN. SHE HAD THEN ASKED ME THE SAME QUESTION SHE HAD ASKED OTHER KIDS TAHT CAME BY ONLEY FOR CHEAP CANDY WHICH WAS, 'WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO ME AND WHAT IS YOUR TRICK?' LAUGHING AT THE STUPID COMMENT SHE HAD SAID, I THEN KNOCKED OVER THE CANDY BOWL SHE WAS HOLDING BETWEEN HER 2 FLESH BASKETBALLS, FORECEFULY SMACKED HER AND BENT HER OVER WITH MY ROD OF MEN, AND THEN TOOK OFF MY BUSINESS PANTS AND SHOWED HER MY SPECIAL TRICK BY DEFILING HER OVARIES AND MAKING HER SCREAM WITH EXCITEMENT WITH THE RHYTHM OF MY GIANT COCK. AS SOON AS I FELT THE POINT OF CLIMAX, I THEN PROCEEDED TO SQUIRT MY GOOEY NOUGAT CREAM ALL OVER HER LIVING ROOM. WHEN THE KIDS HAD ARRIVED AT HER HOUSE, THEY THOUGHT MY EJACULATORY FLUID WAS NOUGAT CANDY AND ATE IT. OF COURSE, I WAS ALREADY GONE AND SPEEDING AWAY IN MY ZIMMERMOBILE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER FINE LASS TO SHOW MY GREAT HALLOWEEN TIRCK TO. I GUARANTEE IT.

Ashlee

HI... I'M GEORGE ZIMMER - FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ASHLEE, I'D LIKE TO BEAT YOUR CHEST WITH MY ENORMOUSLY HEAVY, THROBBING PELVIC CROCODILE UNTIL I GEYSER A HUGE WATERFALL OF STICKY BABY DRESSING ON YOUR FACE. I'LL MOP IT UP WITH MY THICK HEAD AND SLAP IT ON YOUR LIPS SO THEY DON'T CHAP. YOU'LL CUM SO HARD YOUR DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORS WILL NEED TO CHANGE THEIR SHEETS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Comparing Sizes

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. OBVIOUSLY, YOU PEOPLE CANNOT MATCH TO MY GREAT URETHA MOUTAIN TO YOUR PUNY FLESH WRINKLES SO YOU ALL DECIDE TO TRY AND 1-UP ME. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT WILL BE POSSIBLE AS PLEASURING A GREAT HUMPBACK WHALE. GOOGLE_QUEEN, SINCE YOU'RE SO SMART AS YOU ELEQUENTLY SAY SO YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT INDIVDIUALITY IS A MATTER OF BEING DIFFERENT. JUST BECAUSE I HAVE FUN DEFILING BEAUTIFUL YOUNG FEMALS AND CASUING HAVOC DOES NOT MAKE ME SICK AS IT IS ALL A MATTER OF OPINION. SAYING 'YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE' IS IMPLYING THAT YOU WANT ME TO LIVE A LIFE LIKE YOURS AS A LIFE, LIKE INDIVIDUALITY, WILL ALWAYS BE DIFFERENT. I GUARANTEE IT.

Meteor

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. I AM IMPRESSED THAT SOMEONE SO OBVIOUSLY INCAPABLE OF BIPEDAL MOVEMENT DUE TO THE ENORMOUS ROLLS OF FLESH SURROUNDING YOU IS CAPABLE OF TYPING AT ALL. I HAVE A SET OF TRIPLETS NIBBLING AT MY CARNAL CORNUCOPIA; WHEN I CLIMAX, A DELICIOUS DELUGE OF DONG DROPPINGS WILL BE FLUNG INTO LOW EARTH ORBIT. A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS HIGHLY TRAINED IN THE EROTIC ART OF ALIGNING MY RAPACIOUS RAPE ROCKET WILL ENSURE THAT THIS QUALITY QUIM-CAULK QUINTESSENCE RE-ENTERS THE ATMOSPHERE AIMED EXACTLY AT YOUR ADMITTEDLY AMPLE FRAME. IF THE SIZZLING HEAT OF MY NIAGARA-LIKE TORRENT OF BOILING HOT FERTILITY FLUID DOESN’T KILL YOU, THE FACT YOU’LL BE TOO AROUSED TO DO MORE THAN INHALE IT DEEPLY WHILE TRYING VAINLY TO FIND A WAY TO REACH YOUR IMPRESSIVELY INSIGNIFICANT INCEST INCHWORM WILL. I GUARANTEE IT.

Religion

HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WAREHOUSE. YOUR MOTHER MAY HAVE BEEN BLESSED MORE TIMES BY THE SACRED WHITE RIVER OF MY PELVIC PALADIN, BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO GIVE ME THE GREEN EYE OF JEALOUSY, MY COCK-LOVING CAVALIER. BETWEEN US, TONIGHT WILL BE RELIGIOUS RAPTURE, FOR YOUR ANAL CLEFT SHALL BE MY GREAT SEA, AND I SHALL BE ITS MOSES, CLEAVING ITS MIGHTY CHOCOLATE OCEAN TO MAKE WAY FOR THE SAFE PASSAGE OF MY TESTICULAR TRIBE, HAVING BEEN GRANTED MEPHITIC FREEDOM FROM THE TYRANNY OF ENSLAVEMENT BEHIND A LOCKED PROSTATE. TO DO THIS, I WILL READY MY LONGIUS TO PIERCE YOUR BACKSIDE’S SACRED DOMAIN — YOU WILL SCREAM FIRST IN PAIN, THEN IN PASSION AS ITS STEEL-LADEN GIRTH STRETCHES AND RIPS THE FABRIC OF YOUR MORTAL INNARDS, DISIMBUING YOU OF YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS, LEADING YOU TO A HEAVEN, THEN REVIVING YOUR FEELING OF PHYSICAL REALITY LIKE A ONCE-CRUCIFIED JESUS RETURNING TO EARTH. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Real Zimmer, Part IV

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I AM AWARE OF THE MADE UP DECLARATIONS ABOUT ME THAT HAVE RECENTLY BEGUN TO APPEAR ON THE INTERNET AND IN EMAILS AS "GEORGE ZIMMER FACTS." I'VE SEEN SOME OF THEM. SOME ARE FUNNY. SOME ARE PRETTY FAR OUT. BEING MORE A STUDENT OF THE ESTENSIBLE ELEPHANTIC EVIRGINATOR THAT THE WILD WORLD OF THE INTERNET, I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT TO MAKE OF IT. IT'S QUITE SURPRISING. I GUARANTEE IT. I DO KNOW THAT CEOs WILL BE CEOs, AND I NEITHER TAKE OFFENSE NOR TAKE THIS THINGS TO SERIOUSLY. WHO KNOWS, MAYBE THIS MADE UP ONE-LINERS WILL PROMPT YOUNG PEOPLE TO SEEK OUT THE REAL FACTS ABOUT MY PUBIC PUNISHING PELVICATOR AS FOUND IN MY RECENT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL BOOK, 'YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE THE WAY YOUR DING DONG DICKY LOOKS'? THEY MAY BE EVEN BE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO CHECK OUT MY NOVELS SET IN THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE, THE PELVIC RIDERS, RELEASED THIS MONTH. I'M VERY PROUD OF THESE EFFORTS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Yellowstone

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE LATE EVENING, AS I WAS YODELING INTO THE CAVERNOUS COOCH OF MY COHABITATION PARTNER, I HAD A BRIGHT IDEA - TO STROKE MY MASSIVE MANLY MEATSICLE OVER THE BURNING FORESTS OF YELLOWSTONE. FIRE SUPPRESANT MAY NOT STOP THE RAGING FLAMES, BUT MY COLLOSAL COCK CONGLOMERATE WOULD. DOUSING THE FLAMES IN GEORGE'S JOCKSTRAP JUICE WOULD CAUSE THE FLAMES TO IMMEDIATELY EXTINGUISH, LEAVING NOTHING BUT TREES AND SLICK SACK SAUCE WITHIN THE PINES. WHILE WOODLAND ANIMALS WOULD NOT SURVIVE THE TORRENTIAL RAINS OF MY SUPER SPOOGE SYRUP, THE FOREST RANGERS, IF FEMALE, WOULD BE VERY APPRECIATIVE. I GUARANTEE IT

Dance Dance Revolution

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ON A RECENT BUSINESS TRIP TO TOKYO, I FOUND MYSELF IN A VIDEO ARCADE, WHERE ONE OF THE LOCAL TEENAGE BOYS WAS ATTEMPTING TO MAKE UP FOR HIS UNFATHOMABLY TINY TWAT TACKLE BY PLAYING "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION" IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF JIGGLY-CHESTED JAPANESE JAILBAIT. SCOFFING AT HIS SCANDALOUSLY SIMPLISTIC SKILLS, I PROCEDED TO LIBERATE MY TWITCHING TESTICULAR TRUNCHEON AND SWING ITS PRECIPITOUS POUNDAGE INTO THE YOUTH'S FACE, CRUSHING HIS SKULL AND FREEING THE MACHINE. I THEN ACHIEVED A RATING OF "AAA" ON THE SONG "MAX 300" USING ONLY THE RAPID RIPPLING OF MY RAUCOUSLY RIGID RAPEROD. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE WET-PANTIED WOMANLY WATCHERS WERE ALREADY IN THE THROES OF PASSION FROM THE OVERPOWERING SCENT OF MY TORPID TESTOSTERONE TUBE, SO I LET THEM GATHER 'ROUND FOR A GROUP HUG OF THE GARGANTUAN GIRTH OF MY GORGEOUS GUY-GIRDER BEFORE CONQUERING EACH OF THEIR QUIXOTICALLY QUIVERING QUIMS WITH A FURIOUS FOUNTAIN OF FROTHING FUCK-FOAM. MY HIGH SCORE HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN. I GUARANTEE IT.

Chuck Norris

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I'D BEEN HEARING ALOT LATELY ABOUT THE MERITS OF THIS CHUCK NORRIS FELLOW, SO I THOUGHT I'D PAY HIM A VISIT- ZIMMER STYLE. AS I APPROACHED HIS HOUSE, I HEARD A TWIG SNAP BEHIND ME AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE CAME THE LEG OF THE ONE AND ONLY CHUCK NORRIS. LUCKILY MY REFLEXES WERE TOO FAST FOR HIM. MY MASSIVE MASCULINE MEAT-PIPE BURST FORTH FROM MY FINELY-TAILORED TROUSERS, ENSNARING HIS LEG WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND ANACONDAS. HIS ONCE POWERFUL INSTRUMENT OF DEATH THUSLY DESTROYED, HE WAS COMPLETELY POWERLESS. I DECIDED THAT THAT UGLY MUG OF HIS WAS NOT UP TO ZIMMER STANDARDS, SO I DETERMINED TO DELIVER A MAKEOVER HE WOULDN'T SOON FORGET. HE BEGAN TO CRY LIKE A KITTEN UNDER A STEAMROLLER AS MY PULSATING PELVIC PILEDRIVER DELIVERED BLOW AFTER BLOW TO HIS EVER-SOFTENING SKULL. AS I FINISHED OFF MY FLESH-SCULPTURE, I REALIZED THAT I HAD FORMED HIS HEAD INTO THE SHAPE OF DEVIL'S TOWER. THE SHOCK CAUSED ME TO LET FORTH A FLOOD OF CAUSTIC COD CREME THAT BURNED OFF THAT RIDICULOUS STUBBLE HE CALLS A BEARD. HE'S UNCONCIOUS NOW, BUT HE'LL SOON WAKE UP. HE'S GONNA LIKE THE WAY HE LOOKS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Mentally Handicapped McDonald's Employee

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. MANY YEARS AGO, A MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE PILFERED AN OUTRAGEOUSLY DAPPER SUIT FROM MY ILLUSTRIOUS STORE AND WRONGFULLY CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN. INSULTED BY HIS DISHONESTY, MY MASSIVE MANHOOD MISSILE TORE OUT OF MY FRESHLY TAILORED PANTS, AND VICIOUSLY SLAMMED HIM INTO PAVEMENT, RATTLING HIS BONES AND SEVERING HIS FORESKIN. THE LOOKS OF INNOCENCE, ABJECT TERROR, AND PURE SADNESS IN HIS EYES EMOTIONALLY AND CHEMICALLY UNITED AND FORMED AN APHRODISIAC WHICH EMANATED FROM HIS VERY SOUL. AROUSED BY THIS DISPLAY AND WITH MY OBLITERATED PANTS LAID STREWN AROUND MY ANKLES, I CHARGED AT HIM WITH THE FEROCITY OF A FEMALE GRIZZLY BEAR PROTECTING ITS YOUNG. THE BEWILDERED YET FRIGHTENED LOOK THAT GRACED HIS TEAR-COVERED, DOWN'S SYNDROME-SHAPED FACE AS MY PULSATING POWER PUMP RUSHED TO MEET HIS FACE HAS CAUSED AND WILL CONTINUE TO CAUSE ME UPROARIOUS, RUMBLING LAUGHTER FOR MANY DECADES TO COME. SCARED AND HELPLESS, HE BEGAN TO WADDLE AWAY BUT ALAS, HIS EFFORTS WERE FUTILE. BEFORE HE COULD STUMBLE AWAY FROM MY GRASP, I CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US WITH MY MASSIVE, MENACING MEMBER, AND HE SOON GOT A TASTE OF MY COLLOSSAL CUM CANNON AS IT SMASHED INTO HIS CRANIUM, WHICH WAS QUITE PUNY BY COMPARISON. THE FORCE OF MY CYCLOPEAN CUNT CLOBBERER SENT HIM HURTLING ACROSS THE ROOM, THROUGH SEVERAL DESKS, AND FINALLY CAUSED HIM TO SLAM HEADFIRST INTO A DISPLAY OF MY DELIGHTFULLY DAPPER SUITS. I VAULTED OVER TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF MY PULSATING PYTHON OF POON-POUNDING, AND THEN LIFTED HIM UP AND PINNED HIM AGAINST THE ORNATELY-DECORATED CEILING WITH THE HEAD OF MY CAREFULLY MANUEVERED CERVIX CRUSADER. AS I WATCHED ALL HOPE DISSAPPEAR FROM HIS GRIEF-STRICKEN FACE, I BESPATTERED HIM WITH A DELUGE OF MASTERFULLY SPREAD MANJUICE, DROWNING HIM IN MY RICH PROTEIN SHAKE AND CORRUPTING HIS SOUL. THE COPIOUS AMOUNT OF CORN SYRUP RUSHING FORTH FROM MY PULSATING, POWER-PACKED PLACENTA POKER QUICKLY FLOODED MY STORE AND RAISED THE EARTH'S SEA LEVEL BY APPROXIMATELY 10 PERCENT. BILLIONS OF PEOPLE GASPED FOR AIR AS THEY DROWNED IN LEGIONS OF MY STIFLINGLY SUBSTANTIAL SEED, AND MANY YEARS AFTER THIS INCIDENT, THE BODY OF THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED MCDONALDS EMPLOYEE HAS NOT BEEN RECOVERED. I GUARANTEE IT.

Virginity

HI I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. MY FIRST TIME WAS FANTASTIC. A YOUNG GIRL WAS SUMMONED TO MY PRIVATE CHAMBERS, DEEMED WORTHY TO BE THE FIRST CONQUEST OF THE NEW ZIMMER HEIR. I REACHED MY FULL RAGING HEIGHT WITHIN SECONDS AS BLOOD FLOODED INTO MY FEMUR-SIZED FLOOR BREAKER. THE HALF TERRIFIED GIRL QUIVERED WITH ANTICIPATION AS I SHED MY SUIT, THE PINACLE OF TAILORING TRIUMPH. BEFORE SHE COULD SCREAM WITH FEAR OR DELIGHT, I HAD ALREADY MANUEVERED WAIST DEEP INTO HER AS YET UNTOUCHED FEMININE FLOWER. I PLOWED HER PASSION PERSIMMON WITH THE INTENSITY OF A MASSIVE BULL STALLION. SHE WAS HELPLESS TO RESIST THE SUCCESSIVE WAVES OF INSEMINATING SENSUAL EXCTASY THAT EMANATED FROM MY MASSIVE MAN-CANNON. MY DEVASTING DAMSEL DESTROYER DEFTLY FILLED THE FULL LENGTH OF HER VAGINAL CAVITY. AFTER THIRTY TWO CONSECUTIVE HOURS OF PURE PUSSY POUNDING, I PROCEEDED TO PUMMEL HER POOPER WITH MY PATENTED PUREÉ OF POTENT PROGENY-MAKERS. THE WENCH WAS UNABLE TO WALK FOR WEEKS AFTER BEING SUBJECTED TO MY UNSTOPPABLE UNDERGARMENT DESTROYER. APPROACHING THE THIRD DAY OF RELENTLESS RAIDING OF HER WET WOMANHOOD, I FINALLY GAVE IN TO HER PLEAS FOR PAUSE. AS SHE ROSE TO LEAVE MY ROOM, I WHIPPED MY PRIME CUT OF POWERFUL POLE-MEAT ACROSS THE ROOM, AND FILLED HER WITH ENOUGH SEMEN TO GIVE HER A LIFETIME ZIMMER EXPERIENCE.

THAT WOMAN WAS YOUR MOTHER. I GUARANTEE IT.

The Real Zimmer, Part Five

HI, I'M THE REAL GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. I AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT COMMITTED TO SHOWING ASPIRING ZIMMERS SUCH AS THE ORIGINAL POSTER THE TOOLS OF THE TRADE. WITH MY PROVEN CRASH COURSE, HE'LL LEARN VOLUMES OF PAINFULLY ENFORCED KNOWLEDGE AS I CLUTCH 800 SOLID INCHES OF AUTHORITY INTO HIS TIGHTLY KNIT ASSHOLE. HE'LL GRADUATE AT THE TOP OF HIS CLASS WHILE I WEAVE A FINELY TAILORED 3-BUTTON ONE PIECE BUSINESS SUIT OUT OF HIS NUBILE, VIRGIN NETHER REGIONS. YOU TOO, CAN BE A ZIMMER. I GUARANTEE IT.

Mrs. Zimmer

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, CEO AND FOUNDER OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. ONE DAY I WAS AT HOME, HELPING MY WIFE TO A HANDSOME HELPING OF MY HAIRY HOT DOG. AS SHE SQUIRMED BENEATH MY GENEROUS GIRTH, I NOTICED A FAMILIAR IMAGE ON THE TV - ME. AS I LEANED TOWARD THE TELEVISION, THE IMAGE OF MY DAPPER SUIT CAUSED MY LUSCIOUS LOINS TO PUMP INTO OVERDRIVE. I SMASHED INTO MY WIFE'S VAGINA LIKE TED KENNEDY OFF A PIER, AND SOON FOUND MYSELF REACHING ORGASM TO MY HANDSOME VOICE. I SHOT FORTH A GARGANTUAN GOURD OF GODLIKE GROUPINGS, SPLATTERING MY WIFE IN MORE EGG WHITE THAN A CHINESE COOK'S HANDS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Supermarket

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. YESTERDAY I WAS STROLLING IN THE SUPERMARKET WHEN A FLIRTATIOUSLY FUCKABLE FEMALE CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF THE BURLY BULGE IN MY BOXERS. AS SHE INTRODUCED HERSELF I ALREADY HAD HER HEAVENLY HOMOLOGOUS HIPS PINNED TO THE WALL WITH MY LIMBER LOCOMOTIVE OF LIBIDO. SHE MOANED WHILE MY SUMPTUOUS SEXY SERPENTINE SEMEN-SYRINGE VICIOUSLY VIOLATED HER VAGINA AFTER ASSAULTING AN ARRAY OF HER ORIFICES. WHEN I RETIRED FROM RAVAGING HER RAVENOUS RAVINES OF REPRODUCTION I PUMPED PINT AFTER PINT OF PALE PENIS-PUDDING DEEP INSIDE HER CAVERNOUS CUM-CRATER. SHE CAME SO HARD, THE STORE IS STILL FULL OF WET FLOOR SIGNS. I GUARANTEE IT.

Miniskirt

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE. ONE FINE DAY AS I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET I SPIED A WOMAN IN A MINISKIRT THAT WAS BENDING DOWN TO GET A NEWSPAPER. AS SHE DID I HAD A PERFECT ANGLE AT THOSE ROUND, WHITE, BEAUTIFUL, DAZZLING, FIRM ASS CHEEKS. IT WAS AT ABOUT THIS POINT THAT WHAT ONCE WAS A FLACCID APPENDAGE BETWIXT MY LEGS BECAME A QUIVERING YET RIGID BATON GENERATING ENOUGH HEAT THAT THE GRASS AROUND ME TURNED BROWN AND BURST INTO FLAMES. THE CHEAP VINYL PANELING MELTED ONTO ITSELF LIKE A 3RD DEGREE BURN. BEFORE SHE COULD GET AWAY I RAMMED MY SHILLELAGH INTO UNDULATING, PULSATING, CUNT ONLY FOR HER TO SPRAY MY CUDGEL DOWN WITH GALLONS OF HER GOODY-GOODY-PUSSY-GOO. WHEN IT WAS MY TURN TO SHOOT THE SHERBERT I THREW HER TO THE GROUND AND CAME ON HER BACK SO HARD IT SLID HER TWENTY FEET DOWN THE SIDEWALK AND WITH SUCH A VELOCITY THAT IT HAD THE EFFECT OF SANDBLASTING THE CONCRETE CLEAN OF DOGSHIT AND BUBBLE GUM. THE SCENT OF IT COULD BE SMELLED FOUR BLOCKS AWAY AND ANYONE WHO INHALED WAS INSTANTLY CURED OF ANY SINUS INFECTIONS THEY HAD. I GUARANTEE IT.

Sexcapades

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WEARHOUSE. I COME BEARING YOU YET ANOTHER STORY OF SEXUAL ESCAPADES, TO BE FROM NOW ON KNOWN AS "SEXCAPADES" OF ME AND MY GOLDEN GARGANTUAN GASH GRINDER. THE STORY STARTS ABOUT THREE WEEKS TUESDAY AGO, I WAS CALMLY STROLLING THE CITY JUST OUTSIDE OF THE PARK, WHEN IN THE CORNER OF MY EYE I SAW A MOTHER BREAST FEEDING HER CHILD. NATURALLY WHEN I SEE A SIGHT I TURN THE OTHER CHEEK AND LET IT BE, BUT THIS, THIS WOMAN, I COULD NOT ALLOW THAT PRE-PLOWED PINK PLEASURE-HOLE TO BE TORTURED ANY LONGER, I FLEXED MY MIGHTY MAN MEAT MAULER SO IT'D RIP RIGHT THROUGH MY BRAND NEW SUIT PANTS AND AS MY TEN-TONNE TENTANOUS TORPEDO QUICKLY HASTENED TOWARDS HER BABY CANNON THERE WAS A BRIEF MOMENT OF SHOCK, AWE, FEAR, AND GRANDEUR. SHE HURLED THE BABY AWAY AND SPREAD WIDE HER LEGS FOR DOCKING, IT WAS MERE MINUTES BEFORE MY FLOPPING FLESH FLOUNDER LET LOOSE A GEYSER OF CONTINUOUS CORPULENT CHILD COCKTAIL. I THEN LEFT HER IN THE PARK COVERED, SHE STARTED SOBBING BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SO WELL SHE'LL NEVER GET THE EXPERIENCE AGAIN. I GUARANTEE IT.

bel air

HI, I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN'S WAREHOUSE

NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ABOUT HOW EVERY PERSON IN THIS WORLD CAN’T RESIST MY PLOW AND I’D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT MY KIT YOU’LL LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS…I GUARANTEE IT

IN NEW YORK CITY, BORN AND RAISED POLISHING MY PISTOL’S HOW I SPENT MY DAYS FINGERING, TINKERING, TOUCHING UP MY TOOL CLEANING IT AND MAKING ALL THE LOVELY LADIES DROOL WHEN SUPERMAN FELL FROM THE SKIES ABOVE, SAID, “I CAN PWN YOUR PURPLE-HELMETED WARRIOR OF LOVE”. SO I GAVE HIM A TASTE OF MY PILE-DRIVING PLEXUS AND REALIZED, “I SHOULD MAKE MEN’S SUITS IN TEXAS”.

I HAILED FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR IT HAD A STICKER THAT SAID “OBJECTS SMALLER IN MIRROR”. SAID I TO THE CABBIE “I CAN PROVE THAT WRONG!” SO I SHOWED THE GOOD SIR MY SIZEABLE SCHLONG IT VERILY WAS A SIGHT THAT HE JUST COULDN’T QUIT AND THAT’S WHEN I FIRST PROCLAIMED, “I GUARANTEE IT!”

I PULLED UP TO MY MANSION WITH A TRUCK OF WOMEN AND GAVE THEM ALL A TASTE OF MY OMNIPOTENT SEMEN LOOKED AT MY KINGDOM AND KNEW I WOULD FIT AND THAT’S HOW I CAME TO SAY, “I GUARANTEE IT”.

mancano

HI I'M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MENS WEARHOUSE. I HAVE BECOME AWARE THAT YOU /B/TARDS HAVE BEEN SOILING MY GRACIOUS NAME ON THE INTERNET AND ATTEMPTING TO TARNISH MY STREET REP WITH YOUR FALSITIES AND ACCUSSATIONS THAT I AM NOT THE REAL DEAL. CLEARLY THERE IS SOME CONFUSION HERE. YOU /B/TARDS TREAD DANGEROUS GROUND IN YOUR ATTEMPT TO DECLARE ME AND MY GARGANTUAN GRAVY GEYSER A FRAUD. CLEARLY, YOU ARE VICTIM OF YOUR OWN RUSE HERE, CHARLATANS. MY THROAT RENDING MAN-TRUNCHEON WILL HEAR NO MORE OF YOUR LIES. ONE COULD CALL YOUR ACTIONS HERE HERESY, BECAUSE AS ANY /B/TARD KNOWS, MY ASS SHATTERING MAN SHUTTLE RIVALS, NO, SURPASSES THE MIGHT OF THE GODS THEMSELVES. JESUS DID NOT DIE BY CRUCIFIXION, HE WAS DRIVEN UNDER BY AN ONSLAUGHT OF MY SUFFOCATING SACK SAUCE. SO DRAW YOUR WEAPONS AND MAKE YOURSELF HEARD, AND PREPARE YOURSELF TO PERISH IN THE CHAOS OF A MANCANO ERUPTION THAT KNOWS NO EQUAL. I GUARANTEE IT.